When humor goes, there goes civilization. ~Erma Bombeck

November 3, 2009


The other day, for some reason while reading Kathy B's post about Halloween, in my mind I went down memory lane back to 1990.

To set this particular story up though I have to take you back to 1986. Through a series of unfortunate events my little family had to move from a "Leave it to Beaver" neighborhood to.....

"What's up Beaver Boy, you wanna buy some crack?" neighborhood. It was not a happy time.

The home we moved into was beautiful, something like the one above. It had been Papa's grandmother's home. This home was full of peace, love and security. It was also the only house on our street that did not look like it was about to fall over. To say it stuck out like a sore thumb would be a huge understatement! Papa had grown up spending many a weekend with his grandma and grandpa in this home. In fact although grandma had recently passed on we could very much so still feel her presence there. That may sound crazy to some but, none the less many times I felt if I turned around quick I would see her standing there. To us this was a comforting feeling. We were going through a difficult period in our lives and, as I mentioned our new neighborhood was less than stellar so it was nice to have grandma around.

Grandma had built this home in the 50's, being the frugal woman she was she had actually built a triplex, so there was an upstairs apartment and a downstairs apartment on the west side of our home. She always had renters in these apartments this helped her with her house payment. We lived in the main part of the house. (does this make sense?)

Anyway, JaNene ( her name has been changed to protect the innocent) lived in the downstairs apartment. This woman was at least (no kidding) 6 ft. tall and weighed at least (no kidding) 400 lbs. Her voice was LOUD. When she spoke it sounded as if her throat was full of gravel and she had a megaphone up to her mouth.

JaNene would show up at our house when she could smell dinner cooking and I would begrudgingly fill a plate and send her home. This went on for awhile until one evening Papa had had enough and in his polite (insert sarcasm) way told JaNene if she wanted to eat she better put her money on the table. ( you always know where you stand w/ Papa) She started crying and went home. Her crying was not an unusual event. I will have to tell you about the time she clogged our toilet, her many requests for car rides, me cleaning her house...... I could go on.

I digress, this story is about Halloween. However, I felt you needed a little background story for full effect.

This particular Halloween our youngest was 4. We had a 4 yr. old, six yr. old, 8 yr. old, and a 12 yr. old. ( I told you Papa liked to grab things in the dark)

JaNene had been telling the kids for weeks not to forget to come to her apartment after they were done with all their trick or treating because she had a special treat for them. They being the mindful diligent little children they were followed her instructions. Remember also their was a special treat involved.

They all ran to JaNene's apartment for their treat. She gave them each a nickel, yes I said nickel.

Then told them since she was so generous they had to give HER something out of their trick or treat bag. She then began rummaging through their bags taking what ever she could get her big fat man hands around.

Well the older kids were no dummies and as soon as they could grab back their grub took off. This left their poor little 4 yr. old sister to fend for herself.

I was in the kitchen and I heard this little scream " Mom she's stealing all my candy!!!!!!!!" The three other turds confirmed the situation so I went running. Sure enough there was JaNene bag in hand grabbing what she could.

As I was running towards the scene I gave out a good mean mom "JANENE". She dropped the goods and started whining that she had given them a treat so she deserved one back. I grabbed the bag and the kid. Then I proceeded to tell her she should be ashamed of herself as I stomped back home.

When Papa could see the fumes coming out of my ears he inquired as to what was the matter. I gave him the spill he then decided to wait until around 10:oo p.m. and..............

go give JaNene a visit. Oh, but first he put on the above mask. Went to her back door pressed his face up to the window and began ringing the bell. JaNene was in bed so it took awhile for her to get to the door. When she finally got there as usual she lifted the curtain on her window to see who was there and tada.............. there was Papa growling. She screamed (big surprise) but, Papa not wanting her to have a heart attack quickly took off the mask. Through her chocolate smeared mouth she told him he nearly scared her to death.

His reply was "Never mess with my kids Halloween candy, you got what you deserved!" I told you he was polite.

I guess the moral to this story is don't mess with Papa and never trick or treat at JaNene's house.

Actually this story is quite juvenile but I just wanted to tell you all a little tidbit about our old neighbor JaNene. Just one of the odd characters from our past.

Also I like most tall fat people. There is no way I can make that sound good so I will just shut up.


Yaya said...

Oh my gosh, what a story!

Emma said...

I am sure the next tenants were much better even though they weren't there long!!! Man do I miss JaNene!!!!

Emma said...

I am sure the next tenants were much better even though they weren't there long!!! Man do I miss JaNene!!!!

Jane In The Jungle said...

I am falling out of my chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have I told ya I just love Papa!!

Creative Chaos in Arizona said...

LOL Well JaNene certainly got what she deserved...

Oh and I never once thought you didn't like tall fat people. I'm a short fat chick... and I don't even like obnoxious lazy people who take advantage in any size!!! It seems to me you feel the same way!

Great story... thanks for the giggles!

Kristina P. said...

Well, she just sounds delightful!

Amanda said...

Wow, what a character, what a person to have for a neighbor! She must have given you guys lots of entertainment!

The Pachuilo Family said...

I do remember her. But had no clue that had happened. What a funny story.

I also remember what a slob she was, her house was gross and the toilet! I remember going in and cleaning after she left, man us poor kids, look at what you all would make us do. But those were some great memories.

Grand Pooba said...

Hahaha! Papa rocks! And this Janene person, is she really a real life person? Who would DO that!?

And did she actually wear an outfit like that? If so, do you know where she got it?

Deanna said...

Janene sounds perfectly horrible! I'm glad papa wasn't nice about it (or maybe he was nicer than I would have been). I like most tall fat people too, but not the Janene's of the world. So there.

Joycee said...

The JaNene's of the World all need Papa to come make a surprise visit! Too many greedy gussies like her! Love the story, and I love your blog!

Sparcam said...

I would so love to know where I can get that "outfit" she had on!

wendy said...

OK, I am still laughing so hard at the part where "papa likes to grab things in the dark"
Whhahahaha ha ha ha

that is a funny story.

Connie said...

Isn't it fun to have weird neighbors/tenants? Now we know why she was slightly overweight. Isn't 400 pounds the right weight for a 6 foot tall woman? :D

Connie said...

Want you to know that I have an award for you on my blog. Scoot on over and pick it up.

The Garden of Egan said...

I so love the photo of JaNene! And the story...well, I shouldn't be drinking sticky pop while reading you because it never fails....sputter on the screen! Gross.
Hey I gave you an award!

Kathy B! said...

I'm almost afraid to think of what part of my post inspired this... maybe the fact that 250 ft of foil couldn't cover me?!?!?

You have the best stories!

kanishk said...

I never once thought you didn't like tall fat people. I'm a short fat chick... Work from home India