When humor goes, there goes civilization. ~Erma Bombeck

July 31, 2010

I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt

This is my brother Matt. As you can see by this picture he is full of it. All of my brothers are.


We were helping our brother Chad move into their new house today. I don't know about you but, I have my standard gardening, painting, moving type outfits. So today I wore one of them. My shirt had a little hole in the arm pit. I know you are all shocked.

Well, after this was revealed I should have known better than to lay back on the lounge chair with my arm in the air.

No sooner had I done that then Matt who let's just say isn't the most athletic guy in town, was across the room, dug his fingers into my shirt and ripped it from a little hole in the arm pit to full on frontal nudity. (only I had on underwear)

My 12 year old nephew was so lucky to be there. Don't worry he's with the therapist right now.

Luckily no one else was there at the moment, except my other brother and, my mom and, sister in law.

My SIL offered to go get me one of her shirts. Let's see how do I explain her shape. Oh, hear are some words....
Bean pole
Skinny B
I said "No thanks, I would rather sit here naked and let your neighbor Raymond see me like this than stuffed into one of your shirts."

Who is Raymond? He is there old neighbor, originally from China. He told us we weren't very nice to each other.
We were on our best behaviour because the neighbors were helping and crap like that. He hadn't even seen the shirt incident.
He also told me that if he had a family like ours helping him move it would have taken him a year.
I said "Up YOURS Raymond!" ( in my head)
Raymond was getting on my last nerve. However, I knew he would walk into the room and some how not appreciate my ripped open shirt with all my womanly beauty flapping about so....

I quickly found some painters tape and did the best I could. I didn't realize how talented I am. Best thing is the shirt was saved.

Raymond didn't even dare ask what was going on. I think he just thought I was being artistic. Plus, I wasn't going to tell my SIL Holly this but, sweet Raymond is who put the big hole in the wall in Max's bedroom today while setting up beds. HA, take that Raymond! ( By the way, who do you know from China named Raymond??!!?) 

July 30, 2010

Where I Walk

There are several places where I love to go on walks.
Yesterday while on this particular walk I noticed bus loads of people (tourists) running around taking pictures.
Now, I know this is a beautiful place to walk. I always think that to myself or tell my dog. She agrees by the way.

Anyway I thought I am going to post some pic's of this. We all have beautiful places around us but, there is no way we are going to be able to go see all of these wonderful area's. So, let's take pictures and share.
This is my walking buddy.
She's tired but, if you notice she has a smile on her face. (she's actually panting like an old lady)
Where are some of the places you like to walk?

July 28, 2010

What Is Happening?

First of all, did any of you hear about the man who called the police because he suspected his mother of cleaning the bathroom with his toothbrush?

I say what's wrong with that?
Remember Papa's party the other night.

How in the world do you think I got our patio so clean?

If the stupid thing wouldn't have broken, Papa would have never known the difference. I guess I scrubbed a little to vigorously.

I swear something has happened to that man since he came home from Mexico. I thought Mexico was supposed to make men macho.

This is what I got upon his return.

He either thinks it's siesta time or fiesta time. He can't make up his mind.

The other day I asked him to run to the store and get us some purified water. We drink purified water that we keep in gallon jugs. He went to the store and returned with TWO gallons of water.

I asked him "Why did you only get two gallons?"

He answered in all seriousness "I only have two hands!"

I  must have looked at him like SERIOUSLY!?!!!!
He then asked why I was giving him a not so friendly look.

I said "Really? You only have two hands? That's the answer you are going with?"
(I said this because I usually get the water and it is usually at least four gallons plus a crap load of groceries to go with them.)
Then I continued...."HOW MANY HANDS DO I HAVE?  That is the lamest thing I have ever heard."

He was offended.

A couple of days later he decided to go to the E.R. because he was positive he had MALARIA. I asked him if he had had a lot of trouble with mosquito's on the trip. He couldn't remember. We went on a Pioneer Trek one year where the mosquito's were so bad they carried a couple of the kids away. Seriously, we never saw them again. I think I might have seen one of them in Twilight. (Can mosquito's turn you into Vampire's?) You remember things like that!  I'm thinking, who is this wimpy man?

My body had ached for two weeks and I thought gee, I must have a little something. Well, not  poor  Papa. Not only does he have but two hands, now Malaria? How does he make it through the days?
(He does not have Malaria. In case you were wondering.)

His party turned out nicely I might add. He B.B.Q'd chicken and made his world class baked beans. I made a cherry cobbler. I also wanted to make cheese fries but, he wouldn't let me. Said I had done enough. Well of course I had. I just knew that all of those dopey men would not bring any food. Even though Papa had assigned them things to bring. I was right!!! No other food. Oh excuse me. One of them brought rolls. There were like 15 guys here and, no food!! Oh well, Papa only has two hands. What can we expect?
I will be posting my recipe for Cheese Fries. Hopefully the real Papa will be back by then.

July 22, 2010

White Chicken Chili

I have a friend who has been dying for this recipe for a long long time. I was going to post it in the fall but, she won't leave me alone. She has been asking for it for about a year so I decided to get with it and post it.

I don't have my own original picture of the dish so, until I get one here is a picture of my brothers white chickens. (they are hiding, they know they are white and I am writing about white chicken Chili.) There's a Rooster in there too. He thinks he's quite the Cock of the walk with all of his lady friends there.

Now of course you don't need white Chicken's for this recipe. Any old chicken will do. Maybe even a Rooster.

Here goes:

1 1/4 lbs. boneless skinless chicken

2 (15 oz.) can great northern beans or navy beans

1 (15 oz.) can hominy or white corn

1 (1 1/4 oz. envelope taco seasoning

1 (4 1/2 oz.) can of chopped green chilies

1 (10 3/4 oz.) can condensed cream of chicken soup

1 (14 oz.) can chicken broth

1/2 cup sour cream

chopped green onion (optional)

Monterrey jack cheese (optional)

1. Place chicken in your slow cooker.

2. Top with beans and corn.

3. In a medium bowl, combine taco seasoning, chilies, condensed soup, and chicken broth. Pour over top of ingredients in the crock pot.

4 . Cover and cook on low for 8 to 10 hrs.

5. Before serving, stir gently to break up chicken, then stir in the sour cream.

6. Serve topped with green onions and jack cheese, if desired.

This is easy, easy, easy, my son in law is who actually found this recipe, made it and won a contest at a church party with it. That's where my friend Julie tried it and loved it. Here it is Julie Enjoy!!!!!

I also have a question to my bloggy friends and some statements.

Papa has always liked to pop by the house with guests unannounced. You know, to give them a tour of our house. (What an idiot) Our house is an ordinary house. He has been doing this for 30 years and I have been killing him over it for 30 years.

One day he brought over a co worker. I had a green facial mask on and the house was a mess.

There have been many other incident reports I could give you but, I know you are all already bored. So I will move on.

He came home yesterday and told me he invited a bunch of guys over for a B.B.Q. Monday night. Did he call me and say "Hey, how do you feel about this?" Are you up to having this on Monday night?" Is it Monday or Tuesday night that you shave your mustache and beard?" NOTHING, just the announcement.

I was p.o'd and let him know. I didn't have the energy to fight it out. We had a squabble. Plus my DIL's were here and (whatever, I was drunk on Cheesecake. We had just gone to lunch.)

Today however, on the way from Cabela's where Papa bought his new beverage cart for said party. I was in the mood.

I told him HE knows not to invite people over w/o discussing it w/ me first. I don't have to discuss when I invite people over most of the time because a. they are always our kids and 2. He doesn't have to do a thing to get the house ready for such events.

He said to me " So, you are telling me I have a house that I cannot invite anyone over to w/o your permission?" I said " Yes, that is what I am telling you!!!!" DUH. I have been telling him that for 30 years. These are not drop by friends or what have you. These are invited guests who I need them to know my house is spotless. My toilets are clean, my mustache hair is not in the sink. I have make up on etc. He doesn't get that the way a home looks (like it or not) is reflected on the woman of the house.

So my question is: Am I wrong women of America? Should I let Papa run amuck and invite everyone over willy nilly? I have to say I don't care what you say. I will still feel the same. I am just interested in your thoughts and Papa is still in the dog house.

July 19, 2010

Just A Reminder

This Fresh Strawberry Cake is the BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made it yesterday for my son's birthday, it was his requested cake. I do whatever my children request. (insert hysterical laughter) Well anyway I try.

As most of you know my mom and dad live next door in our deluxe MIL apartment. My brothers were over there visiting, heard rumors of Strawberry Cake and well, fortunately for me, it is all gone now!

The recipe is on my side bar under Meatloaf. (actually you should look under cake)

POOBA, this goes great with ice cream. tee hee.

July 17, 2010

Cougar Town

The deer have not been back since our little Cougar urine incident. I could not have been happier until I saw this dude under my Apricot tree this morning.....

Not really! First of all, if I came across him there would have been even more urine problems. (in my pants) Second I wouldn't have stuck around to take his picture!! The deer really have not returned. So, I say if your having problems with em go get some Cougar Urine. I bought mine on line from the company pictured in my last post.

Some of you well, one of you have asked me why I have not been posting as much lately. The main reason is as I have mentioned before my gigantic yard. Plus...

we moved these four from our house to Las Vegas. Nick here will be attending D.O. school in Henderson. If you didn't catch four people in this picture then......

there you go. This gives you a better shot. I have officially named our new baby granddaughter Hash Brown. Honestly it is all her mother eats!

We also had been spending much time at our hang out Raging Waters. I want you to know that I took two million darling pics of all my grand kids totally raging and the camera was on video so none of them turned out. Well a couple turned out after I figured out the problem.

The problem was PAPA! He went to Mexico and for some reason had had the camera on video and I did not notice. ( insert a swear word of your choice, referring again to my last post) You know what? Swearing does not get you kicked out of Relief Society. So I'm going to stop. Instead you get asked to step in for the R.S. Pres. while she lounges around with the Shingles. What a slacker. I'm going to start smoking. Anyway that's another story.

Here is cute little Henry and Izzy.

After Papa came home from Mexico the kids (for some unknown reason) were so excited to see him. They couldn't get enough of him for a while.......

Yep, time to stop. Look at their faces.

I had to throw this one of William in here. He came and got in bed with me one morning and fell right back to sleep. Papa was still in Mexico so there was plenty of room. If you don't remember Will lives in San Francisco (yes our house was very full of people) so he can get in bed with me any time. Even if he lived here. He is so cuddly and sweet.

This is actually a picture before all the wrestling began. Papa looks like he just got off a plane from Mexico. Do you think I have said Mexico enough times during this post?


some actual pics from Mexico. Papa and two friends went down there to teach some coaches and young men how to play American football. They had a most wonderful time and the people down there could not have been nicer to them.

They also went sight seeing.

Papa's friend is an archaeologist. In fact he stayed behind for a dig. This picture is interesting because it represents an Elephant trunk.

The three Amigo's. If they go again next year you can bet Nana will have a reservation! I also must say I was sure happy too when Papa came home.

July 13, 2010

Deer Friends

For years I have occasionally tried to find little ways to... let's just say detour Papa in the bedroom.

I mean a girl gets tired once in a while and needs a little break. (Of course if he really wanted a break I would be highly offended but, don't tell him that.)

I know daughters, TMI. Anyway none of my techniques worked.

I tried the whole hairy leg technique. Nope, turned him on.

Tried not showering. Turns out he likes dirty girls.

I even gained a little weight and, as you can see he can't keep his hands off me.

Then tonight something happened.... I found something that will truly keep your man away. I found this out by accident but, hey, what ever works.

Our deer friends have returned to our garden so, Papa and I were out back spraying Cougar Urine on these little swabs of material that you hang in your trees and bushes. Well, I was spraying Cougar urine while Papa watched.

Yes, this is a true story. This is the brand we are using. It is extremely aromatic. I was being very careful to pay attention to which way the wind was blowing during this task. However, I was not careful enough.

I sprayed...... there was a wind change....... Urine right in my face, mouth, hair , chest etc. I started screaming and spitting. Papa called me a doomass.

I yelled " Pfft (spit noise) Pfft Eeeww come smell me!"

Now, remember we live in the city in a very urban area. Our yard is not totally fenced in and our neighbors are very close. I am sure we put on a pretty good show.

Papa: " I can smell you from here, stay away from me!

So naturally I started chasing him. By the way our cat was out there frozen in fear by the smell emanating in the yard. The dog was completely intrigued and wanted to pee on me.

Papa was running for his life. I was chasing Papa and the dog was chasing me. The cat was still frozen in terror.

As we were running in circles Papa had the nerve to pick up a stake yes, a big long tomato stake and started coming at me with it. ( I truly believe he was going to put it through my heart! I've seen Dracula.)

Well, that was just rude so I yelled " I'm wearing this to bed tonight you dirty bastard!!!!!!!
(yes, I swear sometimes, I am trying to get kicked out of Relief Society)

Then it occurred to me, after 30 years I have found a way to keep Papa away!!! Ha ha ha. The only problem is I would have to smell it too, plus my tongue went numb. (Not kidding!) What really made me mad was the fact that I just had my hair colored today and that stuff better not mess with my color.

So, if your desperate for a good nights sleep and believe me you would have to be desperate, just spray on a little Harmon's Cougar pee. It will keep your man at bay. If this stuff doesn't keep those deer out of my garden I don't know what will.

I better go see if my cat has dared move yet.

Sweet Dreams.