When humor goes, there goes civilization. ~Erma Bombeck

July 13, 2010

Deer Friends

For years I have occasionally tried to find little ways to... let's just say detour Papa in the bedroom.

I mean a girl gets tired once in a while and needs a little break. (Of course if he really wanted a break I would be highly offended but, don't tell him that.)

I know daughters, TMI. Anyway none of my techniques worked.

I tried the whole hairy leg technique. Nope, turned him on.

Tried not showering. Turns out he likes dirty girls.

I even gained a little weight and, as you can see he can't keep his hands off me.

Then tonight something happened.... I found something that will truly keep your man away. I found this out by accident but, hey, what ever works.

Our deer friends have returned to our garden so, Papa and I were out back spraying Cougar Urine on these little swabs of material that you hang in your trees and bushes. Well, I was spraying Cougar urine while Papa watched.

Yes, this is a true story. This is the brand we are using. It is extremely aromatic. I was being very careful to pay attention to which way the wind was blowing during this task. However, I was not careful enough.

I sprayed...... there was a wind change....... Urine right in my face, mouth, hair , chest etc. I started screaming and spitting. Papa called me a doomass.

I yelled " Pfft (spit noise) Pfft Eeeww come smell me!"

Now, remember we live in the city in a very urban area. Our yard is not totally fenced in and our neighbors are very close. I am sure we put on a pretty good show.

Papa: " I can smell you from here, stay away from me!

So naturally I started chasing him. By the way our cat was out there frozen in fear by the smell emanating in the yard. The dog was completely intrigued and wanted to pee on me.

Papa was running for his life. I was chasing Papa and the dog was chasing me. The cat was still frozen in terror.

As we were running in circles Papa had the nerve to pick up a stake yes, a big long tomato stake and started coming at me with it. ( I truly believe he was going to put it through my heart! I've seen Dracula.)

Well, that was just rude so I yelled " I'm wearing this to bed tonight you dirty bastard!!!!!!!
(yes, I swear sometimes, I am trying to get kicked out of Relief Society)

Then it occurred to me, after 30 years I have found a way to keep Papa away!!! Ha ha ha. The only problem is I would have to smell it too, plus my tongue went numb. (Not kidding!) What really made me mad was the fact that I just had my hair colored today and that stuff better not mess with my color.

So, if your desperate for a good nights sleep and believe me you would have to be desperate, just spray on a little Harmon's Cougar pee. It will keep your man at bay. If this stuff doesn't keep those deer out of my garden I don't know what will.

I better go see if my cat has dared move yet.

Sweet Dreams.


Mary at Deep South Dish said...

OMG well, uh no. I'll pass on that! BUT... LMAO on the other hand, I sure haven't laughed this hard in awhile!! Thanks for the smiles. :)

Cherie said...

OK that is just hilarious! I am not sure if I believe the story or not cause it is just sick but I could see how it would be very effective.
That one picture is just...Wow...hard on the eyes - ha ha.

Garden of Egan said...

YOU ARE KILLIN' ME!!!!! I'm sitting here alone in my house and I'm laughing like a dang fool!!!!!

The imagery was awesome. I'm imagining the neighbors calling other neighbors and talking about your shenanigans and talking about you and how looney you are.
Great imagery.

The real pictures........not so awesome! Hairy legs, fat mama, muddy mama.............GAG!

I hope you get a great nights sleep. I'm gonna have a few nightmares I'm pretty sure.

Uh, where do ya buy the stuff.

Bonnie the Boss said...

That is one damn funny story!! (I am trying to get kicked out as well) Good to know. I bet they have some at the guy store up here by where I live.

Kristina P. said...

This is HILARIOUS!! Can you send some my way?

Julie Harward said...

This is the funniest post I have read in a long time! I burst out laughing when you said that the dog wanted to pee on you! Poor kitty...true trauma for it! You will most likely get cougars in the yard tonight, good thing the hub won't want to follow you to bed...he can sit up with his gun watching out for the cougars!! (Thanks for the laugh!) :D

Valerie said...

Oh my gosh! This has got to be the funniest thing I have read in a good, long time!
Hopefully cougar pee isn't too difficult to wash off. :)

Grand Pooba said...

Hahaha! Oh man, I can only imagine. Why is it that my favorite part of this whole story was when you called Papa a bastard? LOL

Dawn in Austin said...

I've been wondering what the magic secret is for a "good night's sleep". Ever since Aunt Flo stopped coming around, I have no excuses. Dangit. But now, I'll I need is cougar pee. Whoda thunk?

P.S. Nice to meet you! Thanks for stopping by.

Taylor said...

Oh my word, just picturing you running has got me almost peeing my pants. Well this post my me laugh for sure but then I started to cry, i must miss you an awful lot. Love you and your cougar pee.

Connie said...

Deer me!! Where do you find your interesting pictures?

I know that every time I come to your blog I learn something new, something needed, something worthwhile!

I definitely needed a good chuckle today!

blueviolet said...

Now that's probably a method I'll never try! So, so funny!

Mimi Sue said...

You must warn us ladies, over 50, who had large babies, before we read your posts. Cougar pee wasn't the only pee that was around tonight! Too funny. You guys are so entertaining. I'll bet your neighbors love every minute of it. Cussing is how you get kicked out of RS? Who knew. Mimi

Anonymous said...

You, my girl, are HILARIOUS!!!

I LOVE the look of your blog and I loved reading this post!

Sorry about the numb tongue though. :P

I am going to follow your blog.

Hope you have a really good sleep! :)

Anonymous said...

Ok, that is funny...

bj said...

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE...I'd LOVE to be your neighbor and watch some of this fun stuff going on!! hahhhahaa...love your adorable sense of humor..thanks for the laugh.
xo bj

Small House said...

OH MY WORD, HOW FUNNY!!! I'd have loved to have been your neighbor.

And the poor guy in the picture....do you think he's okay????

Creative Chaos in Arizona said...

OH MY GOODNESS Nana... you made me laugh so hard I almost wet myself!!!!

Thank you for making me laugh so hard... I do so enjoy reading your blog...