When humor goes, there goes civilization. ~Erma Bombeck

February 28, 2018

Next month I turn 60 and it is not sitting well with me like 20, 30, 40 and even 50 did. It is not rolling off of my tongue, It gets stuck in the back of my throat when I go to say it. Six, six, si, sixty, Ack. I am having a mid life crisis about it. I know you might be thinking well, that means your jumping off point would be 120. I did not say I made sense besides it is my crisis and I can say what I want about it. I feel like I am 40 so it is mid life. Now, before I go forward those close to me will now be saying, "wasn't it just last week you were in the E.R. thinking you were having a heart attack?" yes, yes it was. That did indeed happen. I also had to go have a stress test which I breezed through. However I must say I did not enjoy the fact that the technicians were 14 years old and I think the cardiologist looked to be around maybe 18. I had to take off everything from my waist up and wear a lovely hospital robe backwards so they could glue all sorts of probes to my chest whilst trying to act like they could not see my big 60 year old bosoms. They did a good job until....after the work out on the treadmill. Let me back up for a moment. A mini flash back if you will. In the room is a treadmill, a bed and an ultrasound machine. ( your average bedroom) They hook you up to all these probes as I mentioned, lay you on the bed, have you roll onto your left side. Then tell you to tuck your left arm up under your head, and lay your right arm along your right side. Everything seems quite copasetic. The tech then pulls out what looks like a large cloth diaper to cover said bosoms and tells me part of the bed here will now collapse so I can get a up under your chest for a good picture of the heart. I am thinking Oh, alright, as long as I am covered up I am dandy. The ultrasound was actually interesting. Then onto the treadmill. While on the treadmill I am told that after it is over I must jump back on the bed and hastily return back to the left side position as they have only 1 minute to ultrasound the heart as it is pumping at it's maximum. Again I am thinking alright no problem. Everything was great until what I thought was a shocking wardrobe malfunction. I got in position, robe wide open, collapsed bed. He starts probing. I am trying to breath and I am thinking, where is the big diaper? I am hanging out all over. Did I shave my arm pits? Is my boob on the floor? Should a 14 yr. old have a job like this? You dirty little buggers knew this was going to happen and did not tell me this part. Well, I got over it.  I realized they have had to have seen much worse. Everything turned out great the heart looked fantastic. So,  now we are onto maybe Esophageal spasms. Who knows.  I must say though if I die, when I am going towards the light, I am going to turn around and yell really loud " I told you ----------- I was having a heart attack!!!!!!!"
Now, back to my crisis and, yes I know this post is all about me and I don't care. I am in crisis. Do not get me wrong I am thankful to be alive. Until those heart attacks start up. Anyway, In 20 years I will be 80. Twenty years goes by like the blink of an eye. I mean I just moved into my brand new house 20 years ago. I felt I would be so much more accomplished at this age than I am. We did just buy a trailer. I thought I would be in much better shape. There is a lady in yoga, she looks to be around 70 she is in fantastic shape. She might be dead by now though I haven't been to yoga for a year. I don't know Spanish. Mike (Papa) and I took lessons it was a disaster. He just sounded like Brad Pitt in "Inglorious Bastards" trying to speak German. I pretty much don't remember much more than "taco." I thought I would know the Bible better.  If I don't die soon I have a lot to do. My kids did make me feel a lot better though. I was talking to them the other night and they said "look at your family."  I do have great kids and even better grandkids. Just thinking about them all makes me cry. They are good. We did something right. In all honesty if that is all I accomplished in this life then I am thrilled beyond words. I look forward to 80.


Laura Clayton said...

AND SHE'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CLAYTON HOUSEHOLD IS READY TO PARTY!!!!! (And yes, the capital letters are intentional!

Kathleen Manning said...

You crack me up! I will get you published
One day! Maybe at 80!! Love you!

Kathleen Manning said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

I feel your pain. All the musings of age.
I did the 60 thing 2 weeks ago. I'm still not over it. I took my phone off the hook, turned off my facebook feed and was in a crappy cranky mood all damn day long.